Showing posts with label sexy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexy. Show all posts

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Consent Is Sexy As Hell

The erotica genre is full of sexy bits and steamy pieces. We like to read about things happening to us that we'd never, ever, ever want to happen in real life. That's kind of the point, isn't it? To confront the things that maybe scare us but that turn us on in spite of, or maybe because of, that fear.

The language of erotica is often forceful because--well, that's sexy. I think there's not a woman around who doesn't wish, at least on some level, that her partner desired her so completely that he or she simply couldn't resist taking her in all kinds of kinky, messy ways. We like to think of ourselves as delicate and hesitant and maybe even somewhat inexperienced, and we love the idea of someone wiser, someone knowledgeable, teaching us what we love to have done to us, even if we aren't totally sure ourselves.

But something is missing in erotica: active and enthusiastic consent. Verbal and enthusiastic consent simply isn't seen as sexy. But why can't erotica readers and writers demand that we change the language the genre from forceful to consensual?

The lack of active consent is a dangerous thing. It serves to contribute to the idea that consent isn't really necessary. It's bad enough for men to hold this view of women, but it's tragic for women to believe it of themselves. When the sex industry, including erotica, promotes the idea that consent doesn't have to be verbal or enthusiastic, it can damage women. At best, it might make a woman feel like saying "no" is all part of the fun. At worst, it can convince her that her partner's unwillingness to slow down or stop is a compliment rather than assault.

Consent doesn't equal boring sex. It doesn't mean a loss of fantasy. A woman can have her bodice ripped open and her trembling breast exposed every bit as easily with a "yes" as with "embarrassed, downcast eyes." In fact, consent opens up a ton of opportunities for creative sex-play. Consent is sexy as hell, and it's time that we insist on it in all aspects of our sex lives, from actual sex to the books we read in the tub.


Saturday, March 1, 2014

Good Luck With The Pie

A work in progress...
I stood in front of the apples and tried to remember which kind the recipe called for. I wondered how much it would really matter in the end. Who knew there could be so many different types of apples? Were they really all that different from each other? My hand reached out to grab a shiny green apple, but it hesitated.
“Excuse me.” His voice was raspy near my ear. Close, but not quite close enough to be creepy.
“I’m sorry,” I pulled my hand back. “I want to make a pie, but I can’t remember what kind of apples the recipe called for. I guess I’m overwhelmed by all the choices.” Shut up! You sound like a damned idiot!  I looked up and saw that the man was smirking. His grey-blue eyes twinkled good naturedly.
“Pie, huh. Do you make pie often?”
I shook my head and just stared at him like some sort of fucking dope. He was one of the most beautiful men I’d ever seen. He was tall, six feet at least, and his shirt matched the color of his eyes.
“Do you mind?” he reached his hand out and brushed against my arm to get to the apples.
“Huh? Oh, sorry.” I moved out of his way and stood in front of the Red Delicious apples. I picked one up and examined it for bruises. Tried to act like I knew what I was doing.
“You don’t want that kind for a pie. Too mushy and not near enough flavor.” He was holding one of those green apples. He tossed it in the air and caught it. “This is the kind you want.” He brought it to his mouth, and the apple made a snapping sound as his teeth broke the skin. He chewed a couple of times, then swallowed. “Juicy. Sour. Sweet.” He wiped a little juice off his his lower lip and sucked ever so lightly on his finger.. “Delicious.”
My throat went dry and I imagined myself pulling that apple from his hand and taking a bite from the same spot he bit. It would be like kissing without the contact. A jittery giggle escaped my throat and I forced a cough to try and get myself under control. What was wrong with me? Why was I acting like a teenager?
“Thank you.”
He stepped closer to me and smiled that amused smile again. “You should always listen to your instincts. You were right.”
Listen to my instincts? My instincts wanted to push him against the apple display and kiss him, taste the apple he had just eaten and decide for myself if that was the kind I wanted. The last thing in the world I needed to do was listen to my instincts. Snap out of it!
“Did you get what you needed?” I nodded at the empty produce bag in his hand.
“Not yet.” His eyes caught mine and held them prisoner for several long seconds before I was able to tear my gaze away.
“Oh. Okay. You just asked me to move so you could get to them, but if you don’t need these..” I reached out and grabbed an apple at random. My knees were wobbly, and I dropped it on the floor when I tried to shove it into my bag. “Shit.” I bent over to pick it up, but he beat me to it. Picked it up and put it back on the pile.
“Avoid that one. It’s bruised.” he took two green apples put them into his bag, twisted it closed and walked away. “Good luck with your pie.” he called over his shoulder just before he turned the corner.
What was that? I asked myself.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Vanquishing the Erotica Stigma

There are people in my real life who would never, not in a million zillion years, understand why I write erotica. Some of them would find it shameful because they are devoutly religious and sex is seen as a shameful and dirty thing that should never be talked about.

Some would shake their heads in dismay because they see erotica as a cheap market, a place where crappy writing is gobbled up like a 9 inch cock. To these people, anyone who writes erotica is automatically less intelligent, less educated, and of a lower caliber than all the other writers of all the other genres out there. Nobody who can write well would ever choose to write erotica. What a waste of talent that would be!

I have friends that I haven't told because they call themselves feminists and they see the whole idea of erotica as inherently damaging to women. These women love sex and talk about it as often as they can, but when it comes to reading erotica, they tend to clamp their legs together like nervous virgins. What they don't understand is that not all sex stories are about the subjugation and objectification of women.

It's a shame that there is such a stigma surrounding erotica. It's a fabulous, underrated genre that can be more empowering to women than some would ever believe. We're all adults here, so let's talk like adults. Sex is the most fun you can have with your clothes off. It feels good, and we all wish we could do it more often than we actually do. Sex can be passionate and slow, and take all night. It can be rushed and whispered in a few stolen minutes while your kid is in the shower. It can be comfortable and familiar, or it can be elaborate and creative. Sex can be so many things, but the one thing it should always be is fun for everyone involved.

I may write a story about a woman whose husband surprises her by tying her up and doing all sorts of scandalous things to her restrained body, but never, not for one single moment, are the women in my stories victims. They allow themselves to be put in situations where they can explore their dark sides. They are always willing participants, and shame doesn't wash over them when they put their clothes back on.

Erotica is a way for us to explore our own "shameful" desires. As a feminist, it's uncomfortable for me to admit that I fantasize about being licked and fucked by a room full of men and women, all of them trying to make me feel better than the person who came before them. As a woman in a happily monogamous marriage, I will never be in a situation where a room full of people compete with each other for my pleasure, but I can write about it. I can explore all those sensations in such clarity that it's almost like being there.

That's what erotica is for. It's not about setting up unattainable ideals for women to aspire to, it's not about women bending over and taking it up the ass simply because that's what a man demands of her. No, it's a way to explore the stuff you either can never or don't ever really want to experience.

It's my hope that someday, the genre will lose its stigma and that readers won't feel embarrassed by their bookshelves. I fully believe we can get there; we can vanquish this damn stigma, one well written sexy story at a time. 

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Sex Before Dinner

A few weeks ago, my kid had a spontaneous sleepover with a friend. This happens pretty frequently, and since he's an only child, my husband and I are lucky enough to get more nights alone than a lot of parents. Typically, we prefer to spend our evenings alone eating nachos on the couch, watching Glee or Mamma Mia, and drinking in our underwear. We've been together a really long time and we've long since passed that stage of our relationship where we feel the need to dress up and go out for a fancy dinner. It's so much cheaper to buy a good rotisserie chicken from Whole Foods and open up a bottle of Kirkland vodka. And we can drink till we're stupid and not worry about driving. Bonus!

Well, on this particular night, we decided we actually wanted to go out for a nice dinner. It had been a long time since we'd gone out to a place with cloth napkins and metal cutlery, and it sounded fun to pretend to be actual adults for a change.

He threw ideas at me, I threw ideas at him, but we were having a hard time deciding where to go. Then the dogs got hungry and we figured we better feed them dinner before we left for the evening. Yeah, being a responsible adult is sexy! You think I'm kidding, but no. Apparently taking care of the day to day needs of furry pets is sexy because we ended up going to the bedroom for some seriously intense and noisy lovin' (I'm sorry to all our neighbors. I honestly didn't realize the window was cracked open!)

If you have kids, you know that there's nothing as hot as noisy sex when the kids are gone. It's just awesome!

After we were both satisfied, we realized we were still hungry, so we settled on a nice restaurant near our house and ended up enjoying the best meal we'd had in a long time. I'm not sure if the food was really all that great or if it was even worth the price, but damn, that dinner was good. As we ate, we talked about what, exactly, made that dinner so delicious, and we both came to the same conclusion: We were coming down from a sex high and that made everything beautiful and delicious. A sex high is better than drugs!

We talked about what it was like to be young and in the dating world, about the anxiety and the horniness and the hundreds and hundreds of dollars wasted on good meals not eaten because both parties were worried about sex. That's when I had the best idea in the whole history of great ideas:

Everyone should always have sex before dinner! Yes! Assuming that you like each other and feel an attraction towards each other, just fuck before you go out. You know you're gonna do it afterwards anyway.   Let's face it, ladies. You damn well know whether or not you want to fuck the person who rang your doorbell before he or she even showed up, unless it's a blind date situation, but then you know within just few minutes. So invite that beautiful person inside, ply him or her with drinks and then get it on. It doesn't matter if you're on the couch or the bed or the kitchen counter. Just do it. Have crazy, loud, sexy sex until you both collapse from exhaustion and hunger. Then go out for dinner and tell me it's not the the best fucking meal you've ever had.

Once you've run your tongue up his shaft, once she's slid her fingers inside you, once you've both screamed with the delightful pain of pleasure, the whole world looks amazing. You'll both be more relaxed and conversation will flow more freely, food will taste more delicious, and you'll be in on something that nobody else knows. It's so much fun to look around at a bunch of couples and to think "Schmucks. I've already gotten laid once tonight and I'll probably get it again in an hour. Ha! Ha!"

Whether you're in a relationship or whether your dating, just try it once. Just once, find a person who turns you on and let yourself go. Don't worry about social mores or whether or not it makes you slutty. As Nike says: Just do it. Sex before dinner, it's the best thing ever.