Thursday, September 26, 2013

In Which a Liberal, Atheist, Feminist, Smut-Slinger Moves to the Bible Belt

Cheers, lovelies!

Technically, it's bad form for a blogger to point out her lengthy absence on the blogosphere, but to hell with convention. I've always given a tall and straight one-fingered salute to convention, which is why I even dipped my big toe into the endlessly deep lake that is erotica writing.

My husband was recently hired by an amaze-balls company (which shall heretofore be referred to as ABC--AmazeBallsCompany.) ABC requires a relocation to Texas. Now, under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn't feel that any company that makes us move from a fabulously liberal town to the middle of Texas is amazing, but with careful wooing, they exposed me for the willing slut I really am. ABC is giving us a brand fucking new vehicle, which I'm totally expected to use for personal use. They're even covering the insurance for me! They're providing us with a card for all the gas that goes in it and all the expenses that happen with owning a ridiculously huge SUV. ABC is giving us a honking huge relocation allowance, an iPad, and money to buy stuff like food and shelter. It's pretty fucking amaze-balls. We'd have to be complete ninnies to turn ABC down. Seriously, after tons of discussion and lots of vodka, we've determined this company is Practically Perfect in Every Way.

So, here I am, a liberal, atheist, homeschooling, smut-slinger on the verge of moving to one of the most religious and right-wing areas of the nation. I'm about to move my family to a state that seems to place a woman's value on how high and yellow her hair is. On which Mega Church she goes to. On what position her kid plays on the local high school team.  To say that I'm scared shitless is an understatement of, well, of biblical proportions.

But here's the thing. As much as I don't want to leave the life I've so carefully crafted behind, I do believe that this move is the best possible thing for my family. Aside from all the cool swag they're throwing at us, this is a dream job for my honey that will not only provide us with the financial security we need to be able to continue homeschooling our mini feminist heathen, but also to allow me to spend more time doing what I truly love doing: writing. It's amazing how well financial security greases the wheels of creativity. I've always believed that a starving artist is a successful artist, but the reality is that a full belly and creature comforts like electricity go a long way towards allowing a responsible adult to escape into fiction. When you're worried about shit like where dog food is going to come from, it's hard to justify spending time writing.

Besides, Texas needs all the liberal, feminist-atheists it can get. And let me tell you all right now, I shall not go gentle into that good fucking night. Oh, no. I intend to unpack our Halloween stuff and then make a splash in the community. I'm too old to keep my mouth shut for the sake of fitting in, so I'm not going to. I intend to announce to the world that I am an atheist, that I am an erotica writer, that I am a homeschooler, and that I am as liberal as they come. My sanity simply cannot handle the balancing act of trying to be just like everyone else. Anyway, what kind of role model would I be for my kid if I denied who I am and what I love and believe for the sake of fitting in?

Tonight, I'm going to a going away party thrown by some of my best friends. I've requested that they color my hair for the very first time in my life--purple and blue. If I'm gonna be out, I might as well be loud, so that others can find me.

If you're in the Dallas area, and meet a mild mannered homeschooling mom with  purple streaks in her otherwise dirty blonde hair, go on up to her. Say howdy. Tell her you know that her alter ego is called Alyssa Steel, and tell her that you're a comrade at arms. I may talk big, but the prospect of being all alone out there scares the mother loving god right outta me. Wait, no. I don't have a mother loving god, but you know what I mean.

See you soon!