Saturday, April 6, 2013

Sex Before Dinner

A few weeks ago, my kid had a spontaneous sleepover with a friend. This happens pretty frequently, and since he's an only child, my husband and I are lucky enough to get more nights alone than a lot of parents. Typically, we prefer to spend our evenings alone eating nachos on the couch, watching Glee or Mamma Mia, and drinking in our underwear. We've been together a really long time and we've long since passed that stage of our relationship where we feel the need to dress up and go out for a fancy dinner. It's so much cheaper to buy a good rotisserie chicken from Whole Foods and open up a bottle of Kirkland vodka. And we can drink till we're stupid and not worry about driving. Bonus!

Well, on this particular night, we decided we actually wanted to go out for a nice dinner. It had been a long time since we'd gone out to a place with cloth napkins and metal cutlery, and it sounded fun to pretend to be actual adults for a change.

He threw ideas at me, I threw ideas at him, but we were having a hard time deciding where to go. Then the dogs got hungry and we figured we better feed them dinner before we left for the evening. Yeah, being a responsible adult is sexy! You think I'm kidding, but no. Apparently taking care of the day to day needs of furry pets is sexy because we ended up going to the bedroom for some seriously intense and noisy lovin' (I'm sorry to all our neighbors. I honestly didn't realize the window was cracked open!)

If you have kids, you know that there's nothing as hot as noisy sex when the kids are gone. It's just awesome!

After we were both satisfied, we realized we were still hungry, so we settled on a nice restaurant near our house and ended up enjoying the best meal we'd had in a long time. I'm not sure if the food was really all that great or if it was even worth the price, but damn, that dinner was good. As we ate, we talked about what, exactly, made that dinner so delicious, and we both came to the same conclusion: We were coming down from a sex high and that made everything beautiful and delicious. A sex high is better than drugs!

We talked about what it was like to be young and in the dating world, about the anxiety and the horniness and the hundreds and hundreds of dollars wasted on good meals not eaten because both parties were worried about sex. That's when I had the best idea in the whole history of great ideas:

Everyone should always have sex before dinner! Yes! Assuming that you like each other and feel an attraction towards each other, just fuck before you go out. You know you're gonna do it afterwards anyway.   Let's face it, ladies. You damn well know whether or not you want to fuck the person who rang your doorbell before he or she even showed up, unless it's a blind date situation, but then you know within just few minutes. So invite that beautiful person inside, ply him or her with drinks and then get it on. It doesn't matter if you're on the couch or the bed or the kitchen counter. Just do it. Have crazy, loud, sexy sex until you both collapse from exhaustion and hunger. Then go out for dinner and tell me it's not the the best fucking meal you've ever had.

Once you've run your tongue up his shaft, once she's slid her fingers inside you, once you've both screamed with the delightful pain of pleasure, the whole world looks amazing. You'll both be more relaxed and conversation will flow more freely, food will taste more delicious, and you'll be in on something that nobody else knows. It's so much fun to look around at a bunch of couples and to think "Schmucks. I've already gotten laid once tonight and I'll probably get it again in an hour. Ha! Ha!"

Whether you're in a relationship or whether your dating, just try it once. Just once, find a person who turns you on and let yourself go. Don't worry about social mores or whether or not it makes you slutty. As Nike says: Just do it. Sex before dinner, it's the best thing ever.